“I can’t believe that!” said Alice.
“Can’t you?” the queen said in a pitying tone. “Try again, draw a long breath, and shut your eyes.”
Alice laughed: “There’s no use trying,” she said. “One can’t believe impossible things.”
“I daresay you haven’t had much practice,” said the Queen. “When I was younger, I always did it for half an hour a day. Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.”
- Alice in Wonderland & Through the Looking Glass, Lewis Carroll
A friend recently gave me the following ‘homework’ assignments:
- Define the top 5 qualities I want in a Significant Other
- Define 3 goals I want to accomplish in 2009
- Define 5 qualities I want in my ideal career path
While resistant at first, I think it is worthwhile to look deep inside myself and articulate what I want. I admit, I do not give my personal aspirations as much sustained rumination as I should. Confession: I am someone who often loses herself in prioritizing others: others’ projects, others’ aspirations, and What I Think Other People’s Expectations of Me (oh hai parentz!).
But put the spotlight on me? Prioritize myself? Really? False modesty notwithstanding, I will literally and metaphorically hide. This is why it is difficult for me to play host, pose in pictures, and even publicly acknowledging each passing birthday. Confession 2: I cancelled my birthday drinks 2 years ago at the last moment out of the irrational fear that no one would show up.*
This year, however, I’ve started coming out of my shell. I shed a corporate job before it shed me and the floodgates have opened for me to grasp and experiment with my needs, hopes, dreams, desires, and hence identity. If you told me a year ago, for instance, that I would have bought a bike and commuted ~16 miles to work round trip once a week I wouldn’t have believed you. Now, I’ve done it… but is that Quintessentially Me? Does it sustain My Happiness? Such self evaluations require a greater deal of concentration than I thought. I’ve been making a lot of assumptions about myself, taking myself for granted, relying on old internal circuitry which may need to be rewired. I am Zoolander staring in a street puddle:
Derek: Who am I?
Reflection: I don’t know.
Derek: I guess I have a lot of things to ponder.
I’m letting push come to shove over the holiday and posting an update soon. I’m done externalizing my ‘Yes ma’ams’ and insecurities: I want to ‘Secret’ as much out of my dreams into the Universe as possible and stat!
May your waking life be as blissful as your dreams - Nancy
*Note: this year, four of my friends insisted on taking me out to a birthday dinner even when I was co-hosting a birthday soiree two days later i.e., totally proving the previous years’ neuroses wrong. I love you, friends.
